Drug Trafficker Appalled at Government's Operational Security

Juarez, Mexico – Pablo Gutierrez, or "El Cabra" (the goat) as he is known in the drug underworld, could not contain his reaction to news that top U.S. officials, including the Secretary of Defense and Vice President had communicated sensitive war plans to a reporter via Signal, a popular communication app.

"This is unbelievable," he said (expletives removed). "We would never, ever share details like this about a deal over Signal." He seemed at a loss for words. "And they didn't even realize they had invited a reporter? I wouldn't make that mistake planning a birthday party!"

Gutierrez's comrades, who asked to remain anonymous, heartily agreed.

"Total amateur hour," said one.

"Clowns," added another.

Yet another compared the elaborate work their gang uses to keep communicate safe from Mexican police, U.S. intelligence and rival gangs to the slapdash way the American government was now being run. "Maybe we're trying too hard," he mused.

Gutierrez laughed off this suggestion. "At least when we kill people we have the decency not to respond with an emoji," he said.