God Edits Bible to Better Rank in Google Search Results

Heaven – God, the Almighty Creator of the universe, today released an updated version of the Holy Bible better targeted to today's online world. The new editions of the New and Old Testament were heavily edited to better rank in search engine results, particularly on Google, which continues to dominate the space.

God, being all-knowing and all-powerful, was able to complete the changes rapidly and without assistance, though He did admit to consulting several search-engine optimization (SEO) tools such SEMRush, Ahrefs and the Google Search Console.

When asked why the Almighty had seen fit to update his divine message after so many millennia, the Alpha and Omega noted only that "Times change." When asked if this contradicts the wisdom of Ecclesiastes in which "Nothing is knew under the sun," this journalist was giving a stern look and promptly dropped the line of questioning.

Google released a statement congratulating the Lord of Creation with the new work, while insisting that its search algorithm does not play favorites and cannot be gamed.