God Updates Terms of Service

Heaven – An email miraculously arriving in all inboxes in the world this morning announced that God was updating His terms of service.

The email gets right to the point, "Today I am updating My terms of service. These terms will apply as of today, February 28, 2025. I encourage you to review the changes in full and save a copy for your files." It then links to an updated set of terms, before noting that "continued existence marks acceptance of these new terms."

Scholars immediately began analyzing the new terms, whose meaning is already under dispute with various denominations coming to distinct and at times contradictory interpretations.

The general public does not appear as concerned, either skimming the email or skipping it entirely to get to more pressing matters. Google, the owner of Gmail, one of the most popular email services today, reported that the email had only a 13% open rate, with only 3% of users starring the email to be reviewed later.

Some email marketing professionals noted that God could have received more attention if He had used a more enticing subject line. Others, however, stated that the lack of attention was itself the desired effect.

God could not be reached for comment.