Supreme Court Rules Eternity of Having Liver Eaten by Eagle Does Not Violate 8th Amendment

Washington – In a landmark ruling, the Supreme Court today ruled 6-3 against Prometheus in his suit against Zeus.

Prometheus had claimed that Zeus violated his 8th amendment protection against "cruel and unusual punishment" by sentencing him to be chained forever to a rock whereupon an eagle would arrive daily to consume his liver.

Writing for the majority, Justice Samuel Alito wrote that "While the punishment may not exactly match today's idea of 'standard', we find that it appropriate for the crime [of bringing humanity fire]." He went on to note that Zeus had shown leniency by ensuring the liver would regrow every day.

Justice Clarence Thomas added a vehement concurring opinion to express his support for the punishment, which he wrote "should serve as an example to our times."

The three liberal justices wrote a sternly worded dissenting opinion arguing that the act was both cruel and unusual, and further that it quite literally was an act of patriarchy.

Justice Alito addressed these concerns, noting that being tied to rocks for wild animals to devour was common at the time of the country's founding, and therefore implicitly protected under the constitution.

Zeus, through his attorneys, heralded the ruling as a victory for justice.

Prometheus could not be reached for comment.