Mark Terrace
Wisened Jerry Seinfeld Finally Figures out the Deal with Airline Food
Manhattan – Sources close to the legendary comedian report that Jerry Seinfeld has finally addressed one of the most long-asked questions of our modern era: what's the deal with airline food? "It's definitely something I've seen him wrestle with since at least 1975,"
Man Buys Organic Dog Food for Pet that Literally Eats Poop
Man Succumbs after Brave Battle with Cancer Center
Fargo, ND – Brian Murphy lost his long battle with the Mayo Clinic Comprehensive Cancer Center today. For years, he had fought against the center's collections group over a set of bills from previous treatments. "Brian's always been a fighter," said his wife Debra. "
Supreme Court Upholds TikTok Ban after Choreographed Dance Fails to Go Viral
Washington – The Supreme Court ruled unanimously to allow a law that would force TikTok to sell to an American company or be banned within the US, following the failure of their recent choreographed dance video to gain a significant following. The ruling stated that the government had proven that the
FTC Brings Antitrust Suit against God
Washington – The Federal Trade Commission today announced that it was bringing antitrust charges against God, arguing that His commandment to "have no other gods before me," was intended to prevent competition among deities. "We at the FTC felt that it was time to address a clear act
Pokemon Condemned for Promoting Evolution
Corpus Christi, Texas – Focus on the Family today released a statement condemning the children's game Pokemon for teaching children the "dangerous and false theory of evolution." The Japanese game, long popular among children and even some adults around the world, features magical animals which battle one
Autocorrect Not about to Let That Indian Name Go Unchallenged
Bentonville, Arkansas – Spotting what appeared to be an obvious mistake, autocorrect today quickly suggested that instead of "Dinakar" the user must have meant "dinner", "diner" or possibly the Turkish food "döner". It then helpfully chose the first option. Dinakar Gupta, the phone&
Woman Frustrated at Having to Listen to Sermon on 1x Speed
Amarillo, Texas – Gabriel Hausman reported feeling frustrated today while attending services at Elevate Fellowship Church. "Normally, I listen at double speed, or maybe 1.5x if the speaker talks quickly." Here, however, she found herself with no other option than to listen to the sermon preached by pastor
Jesus Disappointed that His Birthday Once Again Overshadowed by Christmas
Jerusalem – Jesus wept. Alone on his birthday, the Redeemer blew out the candles on his birthday cake. He sighed heavily and began to eat a slice, bemoaning the fact the Heavenly Host had once again overlooked his birthday due to the Christmas celebration. Later, Jesus was seen to partake in
God Edits Bible to Better Rank in Google Search Results
Heaven – God, the Almighty Creator of the universe, today released an updated version of the Holy Bible better targeted to today's online world. The new editions of the New and Old Testament were heavily edited to better rank in search engine results, particularly on Google, which continues to
CEO Dies after Golden Parachute Fails to Deploy
Scottsdale, Arizona – Tragedy today as Edward Luskin fell to his death after his golden parachute failed to open. Luskin, 64, was CEO of West Bank where he had worked for over 20 years, starting as a lowly son of the former CEO, John Luskin. Sources close to the deceased remained