Mark Terrace
Special Report: All is Vanity
Jerusalem. A new report published today has come to a startling conclusion: "Vanity of vanities," it saith. "all is vanity." The authors continue: "What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the sun? One generation passeth away, and another generation
League of Procrastinating Voters Finally Gets around to 2024 Endorsements
Noting that it probably would have been better to have done this before the November election, the League of Procrastinating Voters announced its official endorsements for the 2024 election. "Honestly, it's been on our list for a while," said spokeswoman Jen Holtz. "We just got
Park Rangers Guard Last Remaining White Cornerback
Masai Mara National Reserve, Kenya The last surviving white cornerback has been placed under 24 hour protection by park rangers, to protect him from poachers. The only remaining example of his species, he lives out his days peacefully grazing and practicing drills, under the watchful eyes of his guardians. "
Fan Immediately Regrets Running onto Field at UFC Match
Describing his actions as "among the worst ever made by anyone ever," spectators watched aghast as a fan ran into the fighting arena at the end of the bout. Cub Swanson, who had just won on a TKO in the fourth round, promptly delivered a set of jabs
Two Year Committed Relationship No Match for Trip to Ikea
In what is being termed the "Ikea Effect", yet another committed relationship ended after an ill-advised trip to look for accent pillows at the local Ikea. Area residents Sarah McCallister and John Decker ended their two-year relationship over "irreconcilable differences" when selecting a duvet. According to
Lawyer Reminds Hostess CEO That Products Cannot Legally Be Referred to as “Food”
Quickly interrupting the meeting, lawyer Abraham Lan reminded CEO Andre Callahan that Twinkies, and all other Hostess products, do not meet the definition of "food" as defined under U.S. law. "We've gone over this several times," the lawyer reminded the seemingly surprised CEO.
Crayola Unveils New Internet-Enabled Crayons
Crayola, the 250 year old purveyor of children's crayons, markers and paints has joined the internet era, announcing its new Crayola+ internet-connected crayons. "Kids today need more than simple colored wax," said CEO Ken Iseler at the unveiling. "They are growing up in a world
Gift Horse Looked in Mouth
30 for 30 Just Making up Nostalgic Stories at This Point
Noting that they long ago documented all sport stories from the late 1980s, documentary producers at ESPN have turned to a new tool: invention. "30 for 30 is more than the mere reproduction of historical footage," says Dan Jorgensen, senior vice president of programming. "It's
Union of Unconcerned Scientists Recommend Waiting
Calling the problem "of little concern", the Union of Concerned Scientists today advised no action on the latest crisis. Dr. Jack Feinman, speaking on behalf of the organization, noted that the scientific community is monitoring the situation, and find no cause for alarm at this time. "We
Beard Finally Long Enough to Be Knotted
Finally fulfilling a lifetime desire, local resident Ronald Noble tied his beard in a knot. Sources report that he was seen at several local establishments, sporting the new look. Noble declined to comment on what motivated the change, and what he has planned for the future of his facial hair.