Washington – The Supreme Court ruled unanimously to allow a law that would force TikTok to sell to an American company or be banned within the US, following the failure of their recent choreographed dance video to gain a significant following. The ruling stated that the government had proven that the
Washington – The Federal Trade Commission today announced that it was bringing antitrust charges against God, arguing that His commandment to "have no other gods before me," was intended to prevent competition among deities. "We at the FTC felt that it was time to address a clear act
Corpus Christi, Texas – Focus on the Family today released a statement condemning the children's game Pokemon for teaching children the "dangerous and false theory of evolution." The Japanese game, long popular among children and even some adults around the world, features magical animals which battle one
Bentonville, Arkansas – Spotting what appeared to be an obvious mistake, autocorrect today quickly suggested that instead of "Dinakar" the user must have meant "dinner", "diner" or possibly the Turkish food "döner". It then helpfully chose the first option. Dinakar Gupta, the phone&
Amarillo, Texas – Gabriel Hausman reported feeling frustrated today while attending services at Elevate Fellowship Church. "Normally, I listen at double speed, or maybe 1.5x if the speaker talks quickly." Here, however, she found herself with no other option than to listen to the sermon preached by pastor
Jerusalem – Jesus wept. Alone on his birthday, the Redeemer blew out the candles on his birthday cake. He sighed heavily and began to eat a slice, bemoaning the fact the Heavenly Host had once again overlooked his birthday due to the Christmas celebration. Later, Jesus was seen to partake in
Heaven – God, the Almighty Creator of the universe, today released an updated version of the Holy Bible better targeted to today's online world. The new editions of the New and Old Testament were heavily edited to better rank in search engine results, particularly on Google, which continues to
Scottsdale, Arizona – Tragedy today as Edward Luskin fell to his death after his golden parachute failed to open. Luskin, 64, was CEO of West Bank where he had worked for over 20 years, starting as a lowly son of the former CEO, John Luskin. Sources close to the deceased remained
Bend, Oregon – Sheila Jones, local mother, announced today her plans to travel into the woods and cup her belly while staring into the distance and marveling at her own godlike ability to create life. "I think it's important to just stop and embrace the maternal," she
London – Pedestrians near Trafalgar Square were treated to the either magical or horrendous sound of local resident John Smithson playing the bagpipes. "It was either sublime, or the most awful abuse of an instrument I have ever heard," reported one young man who declined to be named. "
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CHICAGO - Despite its best intentions, a sales email sent to Derek Chen, an assistant manager, failed to find the man well. The email's author, regional sales manager Janet Walsh, expressed concern. "I explicitly wrote that I hope this email finds you well," she told sources
