Heaven – An email miraculously arriving in all inboxes in the world this morning announced that God was updating His terms of service. The email gets right to the point, "Today I am updating My terms of service. These terms will apply as of today, February 28, 2025. I encourage
Burlington, VT – Noting that the chicken which his family and their friends were about to consume was, in fact, dead, four year old Jeremy Hanson decided to share this important fact with his dinner companions. "They killed this chicken dead," he loudly announced, pointing to remove any doubt
Anaheim, CA – Brett Rawls clocked out after another long day at Disneyland where he works as a character performer for Goofy. Slowly removing his sweat-soaked costume, he noted that he made barely more than minimum wage in the role, all while subject to intense heat, angry parents and even the
Spokane, WA – Roland Gerhart, 31, left the bathroom of the local Dave's Burgers comforted to know that employees were required to wash their hands before returning to work. "Sure, the bathroom was pretty dirty," he said before adding that the toilet appeared broken and the floor
Seattle, WA – Amazon today announced that it was improving upon its famous Same-day Prime delivery by bringing the packages before the consumer even orders. "Our AI has grown so advanced, we can now predict what our customers will order before they even know it," said Scott Marshall, VP
Stockholm – IKEA today announced the recall of thousands of Flygande flying carpets due to safety concerns with the products. The recall largely applies to products sold in Western Europe, though some American consumers may also be affected. The company gave little detail as to the nature of the defects, noting
Washington – Speaking before press today, President Trump announced that he had signed an executive order restoring Pluto's status as the ninth planet in our solar system. "Pluto has been wronged, very wronged," he said. "It's a great planet, some might say one of
