Heaven – God, the Almighty Creator of the universe, today released an updated version of the Holy Bible better targeted to today's online world. The new editions of the New and Old Testament were heavily edited to better rank in search engine results, particularly on Google, which continues to
Scottsdale, Arizona – Tragedy today as Edward Luskin fell to his death after his golden parachute failed to open. Luskin, 64, was CEO of West Bank where he had worked for over 20 years, starting as a lowly son of the former CEO, John Luskin. Sources close to the deceased remained
Bend, Oregon – Sheila Jones, local mother, announced today her plans to travel into the woods and cup her belly while staring into the distance and marveling at her own godlike ability to create life. "I think it's important to just stop and embrace the maternal," she
London – Pedestrians near Trafalgar Square were treated to the either magical or horrendous sound of local resident John Smithson playing the bagpipes. "It was either sublime, or the most awful abuse of an instrument I have ever heard," reported one young man who declined to be named. "
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CHICAGO - Despite its best intentions, a sales email sent to Derek Chen, an assistant manager, failed to find the man well. The email's author, regional sales manager Janet Walsh, expressed concern. "I explicitly wrote that I hope this email finds you well," she told sources
Dublin Looking about the host of young faces, Darold Klarney, looked despondent. "I didn't really think this through," he muttered to himself. Klarney, an amateur flautist and part-time Uber driver, lured the children away from their homes as revenge for a 1-star review on an earlier
Jerusalem. A new report published today has come to a startling conclusion: "Vanity of vanities," it saith. "all is vanity." The authors continue: "What profit hath a man of all his labour which he taketh under the sun? One generation passeth away, and another generation
Noting that it probably would have been better to have done this before the November election, the League of Procrastinating Voters announced its official endorsements for the 2024 election. "Honestly, it's been on our list for a while," said spokeswoman Jen Holtz. "We just got
Masai Mara National Reserve, Kenya The last surviving white cornerback has been placed under 24 hour protection by park rangers, to protect him from poachers. The only remaining example of his species, he lives out his days peacefully grazing and practicing drills, under the watchful eyes of his guardians. "
Describing his actions as "among the worst ever made by anyone ever," spectators watched aghast as a fan ran into the fighting arena at the end of the bout. Cub Swanson, who had just won on a TKO in the fourth round, promptly delivered a set of jabs